i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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