I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
