If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
