it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
