Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
