I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
