Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
