I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
