Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I AM VODKA MAN
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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