his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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