I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
