And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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