Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
