So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
