my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
