this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
