So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
