Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
