I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
