We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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