don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
