ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
