Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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