meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
