Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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