You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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