The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I forgot how hot balto sounded
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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