I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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