do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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