White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
