Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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