Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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