im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
are you so shy because you have an std?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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