sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
