Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
