I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
