At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
