I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
