Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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