I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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