i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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