So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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