If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Enjoy the penises
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
