can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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