Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Let's get the cat blown out
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
