I wish I could teleport
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
