Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
