Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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