ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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