I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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